everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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