I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
