My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
