I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
