Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
