I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
