those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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