You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
