So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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