I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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