i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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