I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
