Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
