Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
