Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
