my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
