New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
