I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
