It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
