Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
