just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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