Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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