She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
