Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
