At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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