"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
