Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
