Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
