Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
