he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
