I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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