i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
