just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
