I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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