Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
