I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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