420 ftw
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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