I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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