apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
