I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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