he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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