Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
