Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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