What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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