My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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