Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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