i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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