My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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