i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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