Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
