I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
